I am Katniss Everdeen
by AmeliaRiver
Summary: This is an alternate reality.  One in which Katniss must battle not only the capital but her heart.  In one senario or the other, life would be easier.
1. Life is Short

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay. _

I finished this out loud, "And I am not going to live much longer." I was hiding in my closet again fiddling with a pencil. I broke it and I thought about what I just saw. Peeta on the ground with his blood pooling around him. I jumped as the door came open.

Gale comes in. Of course he has found me here before. _I need to find a new hiding place,_ I think to myself. Or maybe I came here because I thought he might find me. Maybe it was just what I wanted to happen.

Over the past few days I have to realize that I have very little time left. My luck has to run out some time, and I know I will never see Peeta again. If he is even still alive.

Gale has closed the door quietly behind him and I move to him. He is opening up his mouth to speak but before he can I crush my mouth to his. At first he is shocked but soon his arms snake around me and hold me tight to him. I deepen the kiss hoping to feel the same spark that I had felt with Peeta. Because in a different life, this is mine. Gale would be the one I would be with. I know I don't want to get married or have kids but I have needs and feelings.

In my other life, Peeta would always be the boy with the bread. He would marry some other blonde haired merchant's child and beautiful blonde haired kids. He would never have been with a girl from the seam.

My mind is spinning with thoughts. So I train my focus on Gale, I don't want to think anymore. My hands shake a little as I begin to undo the buttons on his grey uniform shirt. His mouth moves from my mouth to my neck. As his tongue traced over the crook of my neck I shuddered and my flesh got goose bumps. "Gale," his name came out on a gust of air. The very core of me was on fire. All thoughts leave my head but this need that was all consuming.

Hearing his name, he pulled me away and looked straight into my eyes. The intensity in his eyes was potent. He reached over and locked the door of the closet then his mouth was back on mine. Our hands were like birds flitting about and before I know it, we are naked. My head was spinning and my body was flushed.

He looked at me and a slight nod was the only signal he needed. Then he slid into me. I hold my breath. At first there is a slight pain but as Gale begins to move in and out of me, it begins to feel amazing. I wrap my legs around him drawing him in deeper. He is holding me up against the wall and this is one time I appreciate the strict diet of District 13.

Soon there is a pressure building in the core of my being. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I moan loudly as I let it all go. And this was Gale's cue to follow with his own release. "Katniss," He breathes out. We start to dress. It is the first word he has said but I know more will follow. And I don't know if I can handle what would follow. Instead as I finish buttoning the buttons on my shirt I kiss him to silence him and walk out the door. After I have slipped out I run to my room.


	2. LoveHate

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

"I slept with Gale." I think I might actually be going crazy at this point. I twirled the medical bracelet on my wrist. Even though it would go to prove that I am in fact going crazy it somehow comforts me.

Haymitch walked in to my room and I jumped. He is talking to me but it is like I don't hear anything he is saying. He is looking at me like I am the way I feel, crazy. Then I realize what he was telling me. That they left to go rescue the remaining victors from the capitol. "Katniss, pull it together. I though Gale was going to tell you. I told him you would take it better from him." He says almost lost as to why I didn't already know.

"They went to get Peeta?" That was the reason Gale came to see me and I didn't let him get more than one word out to me. I sit there looking lost.

"Oh, for the love of…. Yes, they went to save Peeta and the other victors." He mumbles grumpily under his breathe something about needing a bottle as he left out.

"Peeta." I let this out like a one word prayer to anyone who could possibly be listening.

I have been wondering around 13 feeling very claustrophobic. Suddenly I hear my name from behind me. Gale wraps me in his arms and turns me to face him. He is smiling but his smile fades when he sees my face. He can see I am damaged. I know he went on the rescue mission and that means they are back. He starts to lean in to kiss me. But my words stop him.

"Peeta?"

He backs away like I burned him. "The mission was a success, Soldier Everdeen." Then he turned on his heel and left.

I cannot bring myself to call after him. My mind is reeling. I hurt because I just hurt Gale but I am overjoyed that Peeta is close. My heart is at war with itself. Why do I continue to hurt those I love?

I turn, determined to find Haymitch, but he ends up finding me. "Come on," He says. And I follow without question. I know he is leading me to Peeta.

In the hospital ward I am directed to a room with a large window that is looking in on Peeta. He is sedated. My eyes are sweeping over him over and over until I can rest assured he is still in one piece. He begins to stir but the stop me from running in to him. I want to be the first person he sees when he wakes up. Instead this big burly male nurse from 13 comes strolling in. He takes vitals and it feels like he is taking forever and they let me in as soon as he is done. He barley gets out my way as I rush to Peeta with my arms spread to hug him.

His arms are spread as if to hug me. Then I feel his hands on my throat, choking me. I deserve this. For hurting him, for sleeping with Gale. But I cannot help from thinking about how mad I am at Gale for running his mouth about it. Then the world goes black.

I wake up in the hospital again. I seem to be here more than in my living quarters with my mother and Prim. I feel the drugs being injected and I am out again. When I wake up again, Gale is there. He is holding my hand and there is a tear rolling down his cheek. I want to feel anything but anger, but I don't.

"You..." my voice is a croaking wisp of air.

Gale rushes to me. "No, the doctors said not to talk. And not to move your neck. " There was a brace on my neck anyway. I motion to him to get me a pen and paper.

I scrawl in very quick angry letters, "You didn't need to tell him. What were you doing? Bragging?"

"Katniss, I didn't tell him anything. What happened between us. It was private. And obviously it was a mistake." He turned on his heel and left.

Haymitch came in later. I had been dozing so I was not sure what time it was. He told me all about how the Capitol uses what that call hijacking as a form of torture. "They took all of his memories of you. They stung him with the tracker jacker venom so the good memories became bad ones. Now he thinks you are some sort of mutt made by the capitol to kill him and destroy his families and friends."

I just couldn't understand. I am in the middle of a war AGAINST the capitol. I am not on their side. But the tears burn hot in my eyes and the tightness in my throat is like I am swallowing glass. _My_ Peeta hates me.


	3. Real or Not Real

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

And since I still cannot talk, I added silently, _and both of the men I love hate me._

I have been sharing my room with Johanna. I thought that maybe since the Games were over that she wouldn't utterly despise me. She has been siphoning my morphling for the past week as I lay here unable to talk. At least Prim got them to remove the neck brace.

"When are you going to get over yourself?" Johanna asked with a sneer as she took my next wave of allotted drugs. Before she could walk back to her bed a growl that started from deep in my core came bubbling over out of my mouth. She stopped in her tracks.

"What is your problem with me?" my voice was still scratchy, but it felt good to speak.

"Oh the mockingjay sings." She was still mocking me. "Although I believe you might be a bit off key." She laughed. And climbed back in her bed. There was a curtain keeping her from my view once she was in bed. I sat up and the world spun for a moment then I got up and moved the curtain.

"I don't know what your problem is with me. I didn't choose this life. Why don't you ask them to make you mockingjay since you obviously want it so much." Then I sat back down on my bed. I was drained. And now my throat was on fire from talking.

"You don't get it, do you, Katniss. Peeta was always right. You don't see it. People are drawn to you. No one likes me that is why I am not mockingjay. I am so much tougher than you. I would be better at it. You fall apart at the slightest thing…" And she went on. I tuned her out. But I couldn't help remember.

In the games when they were faced with the mockingjays. _They can't get me there is no one left who I love or care about._ What did Snow do to her? Where was her family and her friends. Surely she had some.

Soon the morphling overtook Johanna and she slipped into sleep. Now I was alone with my thoughts. That is as scary as the arena was. No I wished I had kept my morphling so I could sleep. Peeta and Gale's faces were floating around. Looks of hurt, pain in their eyes. Something about those Seam grey eyes of Gale stabbed me deep in my core, but the look of rage in the blue pools of and it split my heart in two.

Soon I was wrapped up in agony that I was causing to these two men who I loved. Then Haymitch came in to break me out of it. "Peeta?" I choked out.

They have been in the process of trying to break him out of his current state. Haymitch smiled a sad kind of smile. "We have made some break-throughs. He has been working with people from 12. It seems that no one really sets him off. What to come watch him today?" Haymitch was actually being nice to me. He would Know that I would want to see him. "The window is a mirror on the other side, so he can't see you." And then he adds this little stab.

But I want to see him. As we watch I see him as being almost normal. He is talking to Delly. She has been my biggest ally in this. Apparently when he comes up to me she is there to argue against anything negative. The doctors scribble notes from every session and have compiled a file that is the size of a history book. I began to flip through the pages. Everyone else was so focused they didn't seem to notice. Or maybe they didn't care.

_Patient asks a question: Real or Not Real? Subject: Delly (District 12 survivor) Answers. This is how he determines which memory is true or falsified. Sometimes taking the same question, he will reword in several different ways as to get reassurance._

_Question: Katniss Everdeen was a mutt created by the capitol to destroy me: Real or Not Real?_

_Question: Katniss Everdeen has tried to kill me before: Real or Not Real?_

I quit reading after the next ten questions were still variations on the fact that I was created by the capitol to destroy him, his friends, and basically all of district 12. Today the questions he was asking Delly were more reassuring like he was not as obsessed with me.

"Everyday he asks fewer questions about you. Day one we couldn't get him to talk about anything else." Haymitch was filling me in. "Today we had one other session. We ended with only one question about you… and it wasn't so bad." Haymitch handed me notes from today's earlier session. "It's the last thing he asked before lunch break."

_Question: Katniss Everdeen is the girl I love: Real or Not Real?_


	4. A Kiss Farewell

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

"I am real." Haymitch looks at me. I shake my head. "I want to try again." Before Haymitch could say no I put a finger up. "I am going back in."

There was a murmur among the doctors before they pushed a button. "Come on out, Delly."

"Dinner, already?" Was from Peeta.

"No Peeta, we have someone else we want you to talk to today."

"Someone else from 12?" He asked the anonymous voice.

Instead of answering, I just went through the door. Peeta was in restraints already. So there wasn't any real reason to be scared. But I was. And then I knew why. Peeta looked at me like he was scared but he hated me all at the same time. It only lasted for about a minute. But it was long enough for a tear to escape me. That was when he changed. He saw the tear and he came back.

"Do I love you: Real or Not Real?" He asked me.

"It was real." I said wanting to be honest because I was not sure about how he felt anymore. "I love you: Real or not real?" I asked him.

He sat there. I could see his mind going back and forth between the Real Peeta and the Not Real Peeta. Instead of answering he asks, "You saved my life in the arena: Real or not Real?"

"It was a miracle, Real." I inched slowly closer to him.

"You went back and fought to save me." This time it wasn't a question.

But I still answered. "Real."

"You are having my baby: Real or Not Real?" Oh, yes everyone else would be on that.

"Peeta, that is what you told everyone. But it's Not Real." There was a flutter in my stomach. There was a flash in his eye. I was afraid he would collapse right there. All the work they had done would be to waste.

"I thought so. I was tortured by the capital: Real or Not Real?"

"Real."

"Real memories are not fuzzy, but they altered the good ones I had. Almost all of them. They get kind of fuzzy. Like when you were stung by the tracker jackers." And I did remember. How everything had a hazy dream-like quality of a nightmare.

But it seemed like he was back. I put my hand in his shackled hand and his fingers tensed then closed over mine. He was smiling. "Katniss, I want to be back to normal. I am missing out on so much with you. I just want to spend every possible moment of the rest of my life with you." My eyes watered he remembered some things at least.

I left the room when dinner was delivered so he could eat free of shackles. But my mind was made up. I needed to get into the capital and kill Snow. He almost took my Peeta away from me. I was walking towards my room and I noticed Johanna's laugh. I was curious as to who might be visiting her.

"Oh, Gale, you are so funny. I don't know what you see in your sulky friend over there." She waved her hand toward my empty cot.

"You don't know Katniss like I do. She is my best friend. She is honest and she is good. Her family comes first, then her friends. She never puts herself first. She even put town's people of district 12 over herself." He laughed and shook his head. I could see him from my spot in the hallway. "She hunted to feed more than just my family or her family. Her food fed most of the Seam. She really cares about people. She doesn't see it does she?"

"No she doesn't," I heard Johanna say. I have heard Peeta say that to Haymitch too. "It's dinner time. I wonder where she is?"

I decided now would be the best time to make my entrance. "Hey, Johanna. Gale? I didn't expect to see you here."

"Listen Catnip, we need to talk." Johanna eased off her mattress and left the room pretending she needed to find a nurse. He sat on my bed with me and put his hand in mine. I was tense. I didn't know where this was going to go. "I know what happened was not supposed to happen. We all do crazy things sometimes. Believe me, because I am as much to blame in this situation as you are." He stood up.

"In another life, one where Prim's name wasn't called and you didn't volunteer to take her place. Or one where it was my name drawn over his." He shrugged. "The point is, in normal circumstances this would have been right. You would have loved me like I love you. You would have married me. You would be mine. But Peeta will now always win. If I had told you before, when I first felt it, he could have never beat me. But I loved you since that first day in the woods, Catnip. Lanky, uncoordinated when she walked, but that girl turned into a fluid motion when we hunted. That girl stole my heart."

"Gale." I whispered his name. Tears streamed down my face.

"You aren't her anymore. You are the mockingjay, the girl n fire. You are his now. And you will always be his." He leaned down and tucked me into bed then kissed me on the lips. This was a farewell kiss. He was saying goodbye to the Katniss that could have been. "I am always going to be here for you. I will always be your best friend."


	5. The Next Propo

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

And I still have my best friend. I slept without a single nightmare. I can be the Katniss I want to be. I can keep Gale and now I am getting my Peeta back. I am positively ecstatic through breakfast. I might as well be feasting on lamb stew instead of beets in broth with bread.

After breakfast, I make my way to Peeta's room. The doctors are sitting around and they stop all talking as I walk in. Haymitch is staring through the window. Dread fills me.

"He is having a bad morning." Haymitch told me that he tried to attack the morning nurse. "He saw her from the back. She had her long brown hair braided back just like you do." He shook his head, and he looked truly sad.

I looked in on him. Now back in his shackles and sedated. I turned and left. As I walked down the hall I saw Gale. I ran up to him.

"Katniss, I have been looking for you. They want us in command." I fell into step with him. I didn't ask why. It was where I wanted to go anyway. They need to go after Snow now. And I was going to go with them no matter what I had to do to go.

Coin was at the head of the table that was in the makeshift command so many floors below the earth's surface. She sat with a slight smirk on her face. She always seemed to have this look on her face. I walked in there with a mission so I got right down to it.

"We need to take the capital now." To emphasize, I pounded my fist on the table with the word now.

"Soldier Everdeen," Coin purred out, "That is exactly our plan. Now that 2 is in our pocket, we plan to make our move by the end of the week. There is just a bit more planning to do."

"Well, save me a seat on the hovercraft. "

"You are in the medical ward more than your own room." _No thanks to _your_ propos,_ I think. "You have never been to a day of training. You will just make it worse for us."

"Then I will find my own way. Snow is mine. I will take him. So either I go with you or without you." I start to leave, but I know she will stop me. There is a reason she needed me here.

"Everdeen. You can go if you pass the training tests." I did a little victory test in my own head. "You probably will not pass since you don't take instruction very well, though." Again there was that smirk on her face.

Oh I will show her. "Is that all?" Again I start to leave.

"Katniss," I was stopped again but Gale was the one to keep me from going. He reached out to me and pulled me to his side.

Plutarch came up to me. "Katniss, my little mockingjay. I wanted to fill you in on the next propo." He was smiling ear to ear. I gave him a look that said I just couldn't believe his nerve. "Why Miss Everdeen, I would think you would be happy to see a wedding in such dire times. It will bring a happiness that everyone needs."

My mouth dropped open. "You cannot possibly think that Peeta is ready." I started my rant but Plutarch stopped me.

"No, no. Unfortunately. I would love for that to be the way we go right now. This would be perfect for moral." He looks longingly into the distance for a moment. "Alas, no. I am speaking of course of Finnick and Annie."

I am relieved. And I am extremely happy that Finnick and Annie will finally be together.

"All we need from you is for you to present yourself as happy at this occasion." His eyes are pleading me to agree.

"I will not have to pretend. I will be happy for them." I have never seen two people so in love as Finnick and Annie. Since her arrival at 13, I have not seen them separated from one another. They were always touching. The fact that the Capital would torture some girl who was already so extremely altered by something they created, was just too inhumane. It put me back on edge thinking about that.

There was the planning to do and what my part would be in it because I did need to be seen. To show I am still alive and well. And of course happy.

The rest of the morning was spent with Coin and Plutarch arguing over who extravagant it could be. My mind drifted and I knew that I wanted to go back to Peeta. I wanted to test the waters now that it has been a few hours. I think that Peeta was probably just waking up this morning and had a panic attack of some sort.

Gale noticed me squirming in my chair. It was past lunch and there hadn't been a single break in the argument. Gale put his hand on mine. I realized I had been clenching the arm of the chair. Finally Coin agrees it need to be something of a celebration since it would be televised.

I offer up one of my dresses from my house back in 12 for Annie. This is also for the fact that I need out of this underground land for my own sanity as well.

"Great," Plutarch said. "You and Annie can go today to pick up a dress in one of the hover crafts. You will be back before dinner."

Annie and I were surrounded by guards and my styling team. They take the few dresses from my closet. Well, there were 12. One from each district on mine and Peeta's tour. They chose the green satin one since it brought out her eyes and flattered her skin tone so well. She twirled in it. She was so happy to be marrying Finnick, you could tell that she didn't really care what she was wearing. But she felt beautiful in the dress. After her life, she deserves the feeling of beauty and happiness. The team grabbed a short black satin dress that was sleek and sexy. This was for me to wear, they said. They ran into Peeta's house before we left and they came out with a garment bag from his place as well. I don't know what their plan was.


	6. Another kind of Nightmare

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

And I am very confused. It has to be very early in the morning but my mother and Prim have already left for the hospital. I was pulled from sleep by a knocking on my door. I got off my mattress and went to answer the door.

"Peeta?" He was looking at me with fire in his eyes. "Are you ok?"

He grabbed me. A jolt of adrenaline course through my veins, and I thought, _this is it._

His lips found mine. Then they trailed kisses on my jawline, and he found the sweet spot where my shoulder meets my neck. I moaned out his name. His hands were all over me. I wanted to get my clothes off so I could feel him on me.

"Peeta, are you sure this is ok for you?" I panted out in between short, hot kisses.

He was unbuttoning my shirt and said, "It is perfect for me. Is it ok with you?" I nodded. I mean he was the man I love. And I was going to be leaving by the end of the week for a final showdown with Snow. I had a feeling I would not be coming back.

He finished with my shirt and removed it. His hands were hot on my skin. His hands were soft and gentle, the hands of an artist. His eyes were smoky in his intensity. He started kissing my shoulders then made his way slowly down lingering on my breasts. Then he slowly on my stomach, his tongue sending quivers into the pit of my stomach. His lips making it do flip flops. He slid his hands into the waistband of my district issued pajama pants. He slid them off of me.

His lips continued their journey. He pressed them lightly along my thighs. Then he put it his mouth between my legs. His tongue was flicking quick and strong on the exact right spot. I moan out very loudly as he brought me to my climax.

He removed his mouth from me and kissed me. I worked on the buttons of his shirt but my hands were shaking. I ripped them off his shirt so I can get to him. I rubbed my hands all over him. His rippling muscles moved under his skin tensing and relaxing as I moved my hands all over his hot body. He pulled his pants off and I saw him hard and ready to go. I slid myself onto him.

He put his hands on my hips and set the pace. We started slowly, testing the waters. Then he sped it up. I couldn't seem to keep up. My movement became jerky and I realized he was bringing me to my peak again. This time I said his name as I hit my release. "Peeta."

He flipped us over and kept going. He was going so fast, and I couldn't get my breath. I was climbing up again. My mind was spinning. This time we both came together.

"Katniss, Katniss. Wake up." Prim was shaking me.

"What?" I was confused again.

"You were moaning and thrashing. Was it another nightmare?"

_A dream? _ "Yeah, Prim, it was. Thanks for waking me." Now there was no way I was going back to sleep, and it was still the middle of the night. It was my first night out of the hospital since I had training starting this morning. Then after lunch it was time for Finnick and Annie to get married.

I shook myself then changed into my grey day clothes. Except the for the pants, they didn't look much different than the pajamas. I slipped into my boots and decided I would go by Peeta's room.

I couldn't shake the dream. I wanted it to be true. I wanted to be with Peeta like that. I wanted him to be the one who knows me in all ways. I got into the outer room and looked in on sleeping Peeta. He looked so peaceful and exactly like his old self.

The doctors weren't there but Haymitch was. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and he had stubble on his face. At least two days' worth of growth was there.

"I just wanted to check on him before I had to start training." For some reason I sounded guilty about being there.

"When you become a mentor, it is just one more way the capital uses to torture you. You get attached to kids then they die. And you can do nothing but watch. When I got you 2 I knew something is different. I knew you were scrappy and could win. I knew Peeta loved you from the way he looked at you and I knew he would protect you as long as he was alive." He sighed. "I hated that and held it against you at first. He is so likable. But there is something about you. That is what he always said and he was right."

I don't know why but what Haymitch said really ticked me off. So I stormed out. I went ahead and went to the training field. I took it on myself to stretch. Soon I heard another person enter the room. It was Johanna.

"I came to whip you into shape, Everdeen." She said. She smirked, but it was almost friendly. I had talked Coin into letting her train to go too. She still had her hospital bracelet. She was doing much better as I had helped her wean herself from the morphling.

"They won't move you from the hospital ward?"

"They won't let me live alone." She said it with venom. She had been living alone in district 7. I still hadn't gotten the story on what happened to her and her family though after she was victor.

Soon the place filled in and we realized we were surrounded by children. And those children could out run and out fight us. But somehow we made it to lunch. That meant time to eat then I had to run and find where my team had Annie stashed so I could help them get ready and see why I need a dress for the day too.


	7. Wedding Day

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

"You are going to be my maid of honor!" Annie exclaimed. I was dumbfounded because she and I didn't really know one another.

My team had been working on her. They didn't have all the tools like they used to have but that, in my opinion, was probably a good thing. They curled her hair and left it mostly down except for a small braid on each side that came around to meet each other in the back then fall into the mass of curls. Her makeup was very natural and left her absolutely breath taking.

They did my hair the way my mom had on the day of the reaping. They tied a green satin bow around my waist that matched the dress. Annie was shorter that I am so I am thinking this ribbon was made from the hem that they had to take up.

Looking at her, I got a little teary eyed. I remember wearing the dress. And the suit that Peeta wore. His green tie and pocket square matched it perfectly. Soon it was time and I walked arm and arm with Annie to the gathering area. They had used a bit of black and green ribbon on the seats and tables to decorate and there were some wild flowers on the tables as well.

The fiddler started playing a traditional wedding march from 12 and I realized that 13 wouldn't have anything as frivolous as a musical instrument. I walked beside her down the middle of the room. Then I realized who was with Finnick. After the dress I figured they just got Peeta's matching suit for Finnick. Then I realized that garment bag must have had two suits in it. Peeta was standing next to Finnick in his suit from when I wore this black dress. This time they had cut the green pocket square in two so each had one of those so they matched.

After I saw him looking dashing and camera ready, I felt like maybe he was finally well enough. The ceremony was short and very sweet and Peeta spent the time looking right into my eyes. It was like he was saying, _Look, Katniss, this is what we will have together. We can be this happy._ I wanted that more than anything. I wanted to think that after this was all over, we could have that. But I knew to save the man I love, I would step right into the hands of Snow, but I would make sure that Snow would burn.

Fire is catching.


	8. Wedding Day 2

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

"You are beautiful." Peeta leaned in to whisper in my ear. It was the end of the ceremony, and we were dancing together. Two big guys were our shadows. Peeta said they were there in case he defected and tried to kill me. "I doubt I could with you looking so amazing."

I was blushing. I figured it was my turn to make him blush. "Last night I had a dream about you." I whispered back. I didn't feel half as confident as I sounded.

"Really?"

"Yes, it was a _very_ good dream."

"Ah, hope it ended well." His eyes were darkening as he looked into my eyes.

"Multiple times." I countered. Then I saw a flash and thought that he will either kill me or kiss me right now. He did neither. He stopped dancing and walked out. His shadows took this as a sign that they were free to enjoy the feast and dancing and left me alone.

I waited about 30 seconds then followed him out the door. I could be running to my death but I needed to be with him. They got enough footage of us dancing closely for the propo. They don't need me anymore. "Peeta?"

I turned the corner and ran into him. "Katniss, why did you follow me?"

"Because I need to be with you. I need you right now." I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. He hesitated then his arms went around me. "Come with me," I said pulling away from him. I grabbed his hand and pulled him along behind me.

"Do you think this is the best idea, Katniss?" He was worried about hurting me. And the fact that he was worried about it filled me with confidence that this was the best idea.

"Peeta, if you weren't worried so much about hurting me, I might be worried." I stopped and turned to him so I could look him in the eyes. "You love me: Real or Not Real?"

"Real." Then I turned and took his hand again. I led him to my room that I shared with my mother and Prim. I knew they were still at the hospital. They usually worked until shower time. Today would no exception just because there was a wedding.

When we got in there I sat on my mattress and patted the space beside me so that he would sit with me. I knew that I didn't want to make too much movement toward him but I knew what I should do.

"Peeta, do you want to make love to me?" He seemed shocked that I asked him that. But he nodded. I made myself move slowly even though I wanted to just jump on him. I straddled him slowly asking, "Is this ok?" I kept saying to myself to take it slow. He nodded. I kissed him slowly and passionately.

I remembered how I loved that feeling of lips on the soft spot where my neck and shoulders meet so I moved my mouth to the crook of his neck and ran my tongue over the sweet spot.

"Katniss," he moaned out. Must feel good for him too. I felt him get harder. I looked and saw his member straining against his pants, begging to be set free. I reached down and released him. I used my hand to rub him. And he moaned again. He pulled my dress over my head and I was there naked before his eyes.

I worked on the buttons of his shirt and he kissed all over me. I pulled his crisp white shirt off his shoulders taking his jacket off with it. I rubbed my hands up and down his chest. It was so much like my dream. Only this was somehow better. Even though I was keeping my need in check, Peeta was sweeter. His hands flitted on my breasts causing my nipples to go rigid. He took one into his mouth.

I felt a flood of heat and I got wetter than I already was. "Peeta, please." I let him take the lead because I knew I couldn't control myself any more. He pulled me down until I had consumed him. Then just like my dream he placed his hands on my hip and kept me in pace.

He kept it slow and I was glad as he stretched me. It was a discomfort at first that was soon replaced by intense pleasure. I tried to hold myself back but soon I was bucking faster than the pace Peeta had set. I couldn't help myself. I was feeling the need for release, and it was moving my hips faster and faster. He was panting as hard as I was and I didn't know how much longer I could go.

I knew he was trying to keep himself in his right mind and that was holding him back in his pleasure. "Let go, Peeta, I trust you." And he did. And then he was on top of me. And he was speeding the pace. His hips plunged him deeper, faster, and harder into me. I came so fast and then he was building me back up almost immediately. His hand reached between my legs and his thumb rubbed the nub that was the button of my pleasure. Soon I was ready to come again. This time he let go with me.

We laid there for a long time, spooning. He had loosened my hair from its braids and was running his hand through it. I pulled the blanket up over us and soon we were asleep.


	9. A New Room

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

And I am waking up alone. My mother and Prim are probably at dinner. They still had to prepare for those that could not attend the festivities of the wedding. But where was my Peeta? I rolled up into the blanket, freezing. I pulled my pajamas in under the blanket and put them on. I then got up and put away my dress. I also picked up Peeta's jacket that he left; I folded it and put it into my personal items drawer. A note fell out of the pocket.

_Katniss,  
>You are so beautiful when you sleep. Especially when it is my name that you quietly murmur when you smile. I wanted to leave before your family got back. I feel more stable at this moment than I have since before the first Games. You have made me whole again. Come see me when you wake up if it's before lights out. If not I will see you tomorrow.<em>

_I love you.  
>Peeta<em>

He left it on purpose. A smile appeared on my face. I got up and put my shoes on. They were just some house slippers but they were more comfortable than the ill-fitting boots that they gave me for my day clothes. I slipped out into the hall and made my way to the hospital wing.

Surprisingly Haymitch wasn't there. But there was another note.

_Katniss,  
>He seems to be getting better. But still be careful.<em>

_Stay alive.  
>Haymitch<em>

A man of few words like always. And apparently Peeta is the reason Haymitch is not here.

I opened the door then and went in to see him. He was reading something and he had on some glasses. He looked so intelligent. I know that he is but there was something so sexy about him in those glasses.

I went over to his bed and kissed him. He looked up at me and he was not all there, I could tell. My heart skipped a beat and I held my breath. He shook his head and looked at me again. A smile came across his face and he returned my kiss. He was back. His recovery was so quick.

"Peeta, I am so proud of you."

"I just have to remember what is real." He moved over and I climbed into bed with him. I put my head on his shoulder and it was as if I was made to fit there. "Hold on let me take off my…"

"Leave them on." I said. Again something came over me making me sound way more confident than I felt. "They turn me on." I kissed him again. This time he was ready for me. He met my fiery passion with his own brand.

He was in his own thin grey pajamas, and through the material, I could feel him ready to go again. Just the thought that I could do this to him made me wet with need. I was fumbling with his pants and he fumbled with mine. It was pure passion that fueled us and we rode that wave until we both collapsed panting and sweaty. I was shivering with the flow of adrenalin. I pulled on my pants, and Peeta pulled on his. Then he pulled me into his side and pulled the blanket up to my chin. "Stay with me tonight."

And I couldn't say no.

I got up extra early to go to the room and put on my clothes for training. On my way out I kissed Peeta and ran smack into Haymitch on the way out. He seemed embarrassed to be there. I just waved and walked out.

When I got to training, Johanna was already there. She was stretching and warming up. "Listen, Everdeen, today we have to keep up with the rug rats or we will never be able to go on that little trip to see our friend Snow." She spit on his name. She then called him something I assume is a bad word from district 7.

And the day did go better. Johanna only threw up once after our two mile run. We were both faster at assembling our guns and cleaning them. As we were leaving, "Testing tomorrow, you two." Johanna pulled me aside in the hallway.

"They said if I could find someone who will room with me, I can have a regular room. No one will take me seriously while I am still holed up in the hospital ward. Plus I am sure they need the room for someone actually sick." She looked at me with hope in her eyes.

"Then tell them you found one. I will move in with you." It would mean me being in a better position at not getting caught by my mother or Prim if Peeta decided to stop by my room again.

I got a bang and put my stuff in it from my personal items draw. The spiel, the parachute, Peeta's suit jacket and the pearl, then I grabbed my father's jacket and the picture of my parents. "Wait, where is the pearl?" I shuffled through the bag again. The pearl was nowhere to be found. I started crying. I was weeping still when I got to my new room. Johanna wasn't in there yet. I put my things away and washed my face.

Johanna came in and put her things away. She laid on the bed. "It isn't much better than the hospital ward, huh?"

"Home sweet home." I retorted.

At shower time I tried to rush through so that Johanna could get in but when I got out, she was using a washcloth and the sink. She pulled on her pajamas when she finished. It wasn't the first time I had seen her naked. In fact it was pretty much the norm. "You sleep in clothes?" I asked a little hatefully.

"Yeah, I didn't want you to get any ideas." She shot back at me. "Listen," she started a bit softer than usual. "You and Gale…"

"Are friends." I cut her off.

"And you and Peeta?" She asked, but she didn't seem as interested in my answer this time.

"We are together." I said firmly.

"Good," she said and then she was asleep. It was like she had just been injected with morphling.


	10. Last Night Home

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

"We are late, Katniss." Johanna was shaking me. "Let's go."

I slipped my training boots on with my pajamas and ran along with Johanna to the training area. It was okay when we got there. There was, in fact, a line for us to wait in. This, in the long run, made it all worse. We had time to worry about it. Others said the test involved your greatest weaknesses.

Then Johanna was called in. I gave her a nod of encouragement as she went in. I was called about half an hour later. I don't know if all the tests were the same but I ran through shooting targets that were motion targets. When I hit one it spewed a bit of fake blood. I turned the corner of the final street and there was a horde of peacekeepers. There were too many for me to take. I saw a barrel of explosives in a ditch and set my sites on it.

"Soldier Everdeen, do not shoot the explosives, someone else will handle it. Just hit the deck."

My trigger finger itched. I had it in my sites.

_You probably won't pass anyway. You have never been able to follow direction._ Coin's words echoed in my head and I dropped to the ground. The barrel exploded taking out all the peacekeepers. The exit slid open. I ran out like it was on fire and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

"Congratulations, Soldier Everdeen." She gave me the stamp of approval and sent me to meet my new command. Boggs was in the room I was sent to. Along with Gale, Finnick and a few of district 13's Soldiers.

"Welcome to the sharp shooters, Soldier Everdeen." He welcomed me with a smile and took my order papers from me. Then he motioned for me to file in rank. I took my place between Gale and Finnick.

"Where is Johnanna?" I asked. I was really confused.

"I was sent word that she did not pass the test." That was all Boggs would say. Then he went on to tell us about our assignment. Basically the Sharp Shooters were going to be sent into the capital and continue making propos. And that really made me mad.

After being debriefed, Gale walked me to dinner. "Johanna was tortured when she was in capital by being held underwater and they would electroshock her. They flooded the room in her test. She almost drowned because she basically just went catatonic. She is back in the hospital ward." He stopped walking. "Het, enjoy dinner, Katniss. I am going to go make sure she is ok." Then he changed directions and went to the hospital ward.

Gale was so nice. I really don't know how we became so close in our friendship. He knows Johanna doesn't really have anyone to check on her. "Tell her I will come see her after dinner," I called after him. I don't know if he heard me.

At dinner, I was pleasantly surprised to see Annie and Finnick at the table with Peeta. They were already eating and talking. He looked so healthy now. He was laughing and acting like he had in school at lunch. There was something different about him now that he was getting better. He seemed more open and happy than he had before.

I blushed thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had something to do with that. I rushed through line and then to the table. I put my tray down and sat as close to Peeta as I could get without sitting in his lap. He turned and planted a kiss on my cheek. Finnick and Annie shared a knowing glance and a smile with one another.

"Just don't mind us," Finnick said and he and Annie got up and took their trays. Hand in hand they walked out to spend the last night they had together before we left for the capital.

"We should follow their lead," Peeta said quietly.

"You can stay with me tonight." I explained how I would be alone without Johanna now that we were roomies rather than my mother and Prim. I hurriedly ate my bread and a few spoonsful of soup. Then we both left rather excitedly the cafeteria and almost ran to my room.


	11. Saying Goodbye

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

And I hate saying goodbyes. Peeta was curled up next to me when I woke up. His arms were around me, and I would be happy just to stay like this forever. I slipped out of bed and began to put on my uniform. This one was more militant than the everyday where. The charcoal colored slacks were crisp, and the lighter colored shirt was stiffer. I put on the boots I was given during training.

Peeta got up and put on his clothes from yesterday. He looked at me then he opened my drawer. He got my locket that he had given me in the arena. He put it on me. Then he turned me in his hands. "Remember that you have to come home to us. Me, your family and Gale."

I opened the locket and showed it to him. On the side where Gale was, I have a picture of Peet. "Gale is still in there. He is just behind your picture."

Peeta grabbed me and squeezed me in his arms. I don't know why that meant so much to him. "I want to go see Johanna before we leave today. And I think you had better get back to your room before they start searching for you."

"Haymitch already found me." He said in return. He pulled a note of his pocket and handed it over to me. He was smiling like a fool.

_Peeta or Katniss, whoever reads this first,  
>I hope you two are being careful.<em>

_Haymitch_

"Being careful." I probably looked as confused as I felt. "You haven't had an episode since the nurse. I think I am pretty safe with you now."

"Katniss," he chuckled, "You are so naive when it comes to some things. He means with what we are doing." When I just stared at him he added, "You will end up with child."

"Oh." It was all I could say. I didn't ever think about it. "Oh." I said again. It was really all I could say after that. How could I have been so stupid? I hadn't been careful at all. I was the one who didn't want kids ever. Of course I was never in love before either. And now I know that life will be different when we beat the capital. Still the future is uncertain.

I put my hand on my stomach. It wasn't just me that mattered anymore. Not that I could know if I was with child, as Peeta put it, but I had a feeling I was going to need to stay alive now. More than for just me or Peeta. More than for my mother or Prim. For my future, whatever it might be.

I walked with Peeta until we got to his room. Then I kissed him on last time.

I continued my walk to Johanna's room. I heard her talking to someone.

"Promise me you will come back to me." She said.

"I promise, Johanna." Then Gale put his hand on her cheek. He leaned down to her and kissed her. He was still in his regular day clothes. As hard as it is to tell one day from another on those grey clothes, I could see the slept in wrinkles on his pants. He had stayed the night with her.

I was furious. And I know I have no right to be. Thinking about how I spent my night entangled with Peeta enjoying my love for what might be the last time. Annie and Finnick had been doing the same, I am sure. So why shouldn't Gale be given that same courtesy?

He leaned over and kissed her again. They were really deep into it when I decided to walk in the room instead of just turning and leaving. I made sure to make my footfalls loud as I came in the room say, "Johanna, are you awake?"

Gale pulled up to stand immediately. "Gale?" I looked him up and down. He could tell what I knew about them with just a look. "Why aren't you dressed and ready to go? I think we leave in 30 minutes." I was being a spiteful friend, I know. I turned to Johanna then. "I am _really _sorry I didn't come see you last night." Then I turned and walked out.

Gale came after me. "What is your problem with this?" He asked. I could tell he was frustrated.

"I don't know, Gale." I decided being honest was best here.

"She said she asked you. You said we were just friends."

"We are," I hissed. "I told you I don't know why I am mad." We were walking very briskly so by now we were in a completely different hall. We were well away from the hospital ward altogether.

He grabbed my arm and stopped me. He turned me to face him. I know there were definitely flames in my eyes now.

"Katniss Everdeen, the girl who was on fire," He said almost sneering at me. Then his mouth was on mine. There was something fueling me to kiss him back. I think it was mostly anger. Maybe there was part of that other Katniss still in me. The one who would always be stuck in her old life. The one who was stuck in the Seam, with the man that came with that life. And then it hit me, I love him. I love Gale.


	12. To the Capital We Go

_I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I am the girl on fire. I am the mockingjay._

And I am mad. I pulled myself away and slapped Gale. "How dare you?" I asked. I was shaking. I was hoping he took it as rage.

"Me?" He asked incredulously. "What about you? I am pretty damn sure you were kissing me back. And it was you who initiated that thing that happened in the supply closet less than two weeks ago. Katniss, _you_ need to figure out what is going on and what you want."

I pulled my locket out from beneath my shirt and opened it. He looked at it. I knew what he saw. My mother and Prim smiling from one side. Peeta smiling from the other side. I knew he didn't know that his picture was still in there, but I know he knew it had been.

"Okay, fine." He turned and left me to stand in the hall, still shaking. I was crying. How long had I been crying?

I wiped my eyes and put the locket back under my shirt. I went to find Boggs. I could go ahead and load up on the plan. I needed out of 13. Too bad Gale would be there too. That would not give me any time to clear my head.

Boggs gave me a pack that had supplies and handed me a garment bag. "Change." He said. I unzipped the bag and realized the styling team had repaired my Mokingjay suit.

Another time for me to stand out.

I sat on the hovercraft alone for a long time after I changed. We were set to leave in about fifteen minutes but everyone else was saying goodbyes. I could see Annie and Finnick. I could see 13's soldiers saying goodbye to family.

The first one on was Finnick so he took the seat next to me. He was smiling still when he looked at me. That made me smile back. "Just a couple of days and we will back." He nodded reassuring himself more than me.

Gale boarded next taking the seat across from me. He looked me dead in the eyes. It was a challenge. One that I would meet, I looked him dead in the eyes. He was the first to smile. Then I smiled. Yeah, we had always been good at communicating with a look. Finnick cleared his throat. I blushed and looked at him.

"Did you say goodbye to Peeta?" He asked me very cautiously.

"Yes, early this morning. I made sure he made it back to the hospital ward before I left." I regretted saying it as soon as the words left my mouth. I saw Gale tense up in the corner of my eye. He probably guessed as much but it was always different when you knew something for sure.

Finnick changed his attention to Gale while he laughed at me. "And did you say goodbye to Johanna?" he asked Gale.

Was I the only one that didn't know?

"All night," Gale said, and the guys high-fived.

Men will forever be the same. I rolled my eyes. And Gale relaxed. I guess we saw how things were going to be from now on. I would eventually be happy for him. And I hope he will eventually be happy for me and Peeta.

I strapped myself in and once everyone was loaded we took off for the capital. We took off towards my future. "Alright, Snow, here I come."


End file.
